song du jour: World Looking In, Morcheeba

mood: spritely

The Professional Artist's Life in Bushworld

"I'm sorry, but we're going to have to do some downsizing. It's getting too over crowded. There simply aren't enough resources available to maintain your position here."

"What do you mean?"

"We're going to have to let you go."

"But I don't work for you."

"Yes, well, that's beside the point."

"You can't downsize, fire, or get rid of me. I'm self employed, and you're NOT now, nor have you ever been one of my clients."

Well, that's just the point. We feel that we can't really make use of you. We simply don't require your services."

"But you can't get rid of me."

"Oh, well, we're not really getting rid of you. It's a global market out there. We just feel that your talents might best work on a different economy."

"You're asking me to move?"

"Well, yes."

"You can't force me to move."

"Well, no, but we're going to increase your property tax by 300%, and your city business license will increase to $800,000./year retroactive 5 years ago."

"You can't do that!"

"I'm afraid we already have."

"This interview is over. You can't keep me here. I'm leaving!"

"I'm afraid you'll find your locks have already been changed. A new special branch of Homeland security has already been packing up your things for you. You will be escorted to your former home and let in for a final inspection to make sure you are able to take with you whatever personal items you moved into that location with when you first arrived there."

"I can only take out what I moved into my house with?!? What about everything I've bought since?"

"We'll be incorporating any increase in profits of your previous earnings into our new restructuring."

"How would you know the difference?"

"American Express, Visa, and Mastercard have all been most cooperative."

"Priceless. Can I keep my new computer?"


"But I only bought after lightening hit my house and blew out the old one last summer!"

Well, I'm afraid that falls under 'act of God,' and we're not responsible for such things, although in accordance with government sanctioned family values, we encourage you to pray about the situation."

"My new refrigerator?"


"But I just bought when the other one died last month!"

"That's unfortunate, but we really can't make exceptions."

"Can I keep my kid?"

"Yes. In fact, the special officers from Homeland Security would prefer it if you would pick him up at this time. He's a very friendly little fellow, but he keeps asking them what time it is and resetting all their watches to be synchronized. They're not used to that kind of efficiency."

"So, I'm homeless."

"Well...yes, but we have some suggestions."


"We think your type of talents, while not the least bit useful in this country would be especially appreciated in India. They have people living on the street there, who do what(ever it is that) you do, and people over there really seem to like old fashioned items that aren't efficiently mass produced."

"YOU'RE KICKING ME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!? You can't do that! I'm a citizen! I was born here! My family has been here for generations!"

"Don't think of it as being kicked out. Don't even think of it as being let go. Think of it as being outsourced. Why, with your knack for, um, making stuff, your work will end up being imported all over the western world! Your earrings will be on the lobes of mall worshipping teen and twenty something women everywhere, AND you'll be making up to $1/day. That's a lot in rupees, you know. Also, they're not so strict on child labor laws either, so you'll have lots of help from your son.

Uncle Sam would like to take this time to thank you for making a concerted effort to maximize your potential in this institution and wishes you all the best success in your endeavors. We would also like to say that should your gross income ever reach 6 figures, we would consider reinstating you on a contractual basis with no benefits."



Rick Lansford said...

You forgot to look at the bright side. Now that you have been kicked out of the Country, you can senak back in. As an illegal allien, you will be afforded with free medical care, be able to work without paying taxes, free legal assistance, and a host of other benefits that were not available to you before.:-)

victoria said...

Hi Rick,

Wow, I forgot about that option! It's brilliant. It would save me a fortune especially in health insurance (which only the mature not wanting to bankrupt my family in a crisis part of me keeps).

Are we related? You know, I once took a vow that if anyone in my family found my blog, I'd pull it. ;-) Tell me we're distant cousins and that you don't know my mother! ha ha.

Take care,